Episode 5: As You Like It

Clark walks in on a ghastly sight, just before Bruce Wayne is to be interviewed by the Daily Planet.

            Clark didn’t see Bruce for lunch the next day. He didn’t see him for lunch on the weekend either. They did see each other however, in court. Margaret sued the two agents for assault and Wayne Enterprises sued for breaking and entering. Clark had to give a witness statement and he then appeared in court to back it up. A court date only two days after the incident was insane to Clark, but he supposed when the wealthiest man on earth was suing the governments favorite department things moved a little faster.

            It was a laugh of a hearing. The two agents’ council tried to argue down to second degree B&E but the judge wasn’t having any of it. The one who actually shoved Margaret got 25 years in prison, and the one who watched it happen got 20. She ended up being alright but for her checkup and the damaged office supplies the IRS agreed to pay the damages.

            Wayne Enterprises tried to resolve the case as quickly as they could, they didn’t want word getting around about what happened. The IRS didn’t either. But having one of the fastest crime to court date ratios in history only drew in eyes. Clark was asked to cover the story, he declined. Gave the excuse that it was “too frightening to recall right now.” He told every detail to Lois though, and naturally she wanted to make it a part of her article.

“Honey, it’s all hearsay.”

“It’s not hearsay!” She exclaimed. “It happened to you! I’m interviewing the person it happened to. That’s not hearsay, that’s a testimonial.”

“Well right, but it didn’t really happen to me. It was Bruce’s thing. Or Margaret’s. Heck even the security guards have better claim to it than I do.”

“Can I interview Bruce Wayne about it?”

“Good luck. With how busy that guy is you can never find a hole in his schedule.”

“Don’t you go have lunch with him every day?”

            With a simple verbal trap like that, Bruce Wayne was now locked into an interview with Lois Lane. Monday at 12:30 Lois Lane would walk through the conference room doors and interview him on the recent IRS break in, and three-point-eight billion dollars disappearing out of thin air.

            Wayne was incensed when he was warned on the phone. Clark could tell because the bitter silence the phone call entailed. He did his best to cushion the blow and make it sound like it wasn’t his fault, but Bruce wasn’t having any of it.

“Hey,” Clark began. “So Lois was asking me about the case and I was telling her as much as I could since she really needs the material. She tried to interview me about it, but I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to accidentally say something stupid, and you know it didn’t really happen to me. I told her she should interview you because I thought you’d be too busy, but then she was like ‘don’t you two have lunch every day’ and I didn’t know how to respond to that.”

“…”

“So she’s coming in tomorrow to interview you.”

“…”

“About the IRS breaking in and the three billion dollars.”

“…”

“I’m sorry.”

            Bruce then hung up. He left Clark in terrified silence as he pondered whether or not his daily lunches were going to become a thing of the past. He fretted for the rest of the weekend about what scene he was going to walk into upon his arrival at the conference room. Was Bruce going to be silent the entire time? Was he going to get yelled at again? Was security going to turn him away at the door? Any number of things could have happened, but what did happen was a million miles away from what Clark expected.

            Clark walked into the conference room at his usual time that Monday morning, to see Bruce Wayne with an ice bag to his head and a black eye on his face. He was sitting down in his usual chair nursing his wounds while Lucious Fox idled about prettying up the place.

“Oh my god. What happened?” Clark exclaimed, rushing over to help him.

“Close the door.” Bruce muttered, energy for positivity all but spent. Clark let the door shut as he set his briefcase down and the lunch supplies with it. He searched his brain for any kind of explanation he could find. Clark saw his friend in Metropolis last night. He didn’t engage, Bruce was busy working on the butcher case, but he didn’t have a black eye. What could be so deadly as to injure the Batman? As soon as the door closed he started asking questions.

“Did you find the butcher? Did he do this?”

“No.”

“Then what happened?”

“There was a heist of some kind at the dockyard. I intervened.”

“A heist? At the Metropolis dockyard?”

“Yes.”

“And was Bane there?! Who hit you?!”

“Clark, I think in my line of work it’s reasonable to assume some things are going to go wrong.”

“Not quite that wrong.” Lucious mumbled.

“Don’t tell me some punk managed to get a punch off. Dockyards in the dead of night are like your natural habitat” Clark swore. He disliked this dismissal of the question. Yes being Batman was dangerous, but Bruce was too skilled to let some nobody just hit him.

“Clark, it’s fine. I got hit a couple times, so what? I’ll make it. Besides, I stopped the heist.”

“That’s another thing, why didn’t you call me?! I could’ve handled it. Metropolis isn’t your job. You could have just said ‘there’s a heist at the docks’ and I would’ve stopped them. Not a shot would’ve been fired, nobody would have gotten hurt.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t do it as flawlessly as you would have.”

“Bruce!” Clark screamed. He was at wits end, about to fly out to Metropolis and interrogate these guys himself. Lucious spoke up ending the conversation.

“Gentleman, please. Ms. Lane will be here at any moment. Let’s show a little decorum, shall we? You can scream at each other until you’re blue in the face as soon as it’s over, I promise”

            Clark let his rage simmer as his hand balled into a fist and he rolled his eyes.

“Fine. But I won’t forget this.” He warned. Bruce simply stared at him and made no reply. Clark sat down and tore the sandwich bags open. He slid Bruce’s French dip over to him and tossed his bag of chips vaguely in his direction. Bruce stared at it puzzled, truly perplexed at what it was doing here.

“You still brought lunch?” Bruce asked.

“Duh. You still need to eat.”

            Bruce couldn’t help but chuckle at that response. At every turn Clark was trying to take care of him. By now he couldn’t tell if that was because Clark still thought Bruce was incapable, or if it was because that’s just who Clark Kent is. He started to see why Lois liked him. Somehow Clark was utterly shallow, and the deepest person you’ll ever know at the same time. He was just good. That’s all there was to it. That struck you as shallow, or at least simple when you first met him, but what made him complex was the way that never wavered. There was never a single moment where Clark didn’t do the right thing. There was never a time when his philosophy shook. Nothing as little as road rage, and nothing as extreme as the world coming to end could ever tear Clark away from being the best version of all of us. He was attractive to be around just so we could all see where it ends. Everyone wanted to see the one thing that breaks Superman’s goodness once and for all. And the fact that nothing ever would, is what made him the perfect hero. For Metropolis anyway, Gotham would chew him up and spit him out like a stick of gum.

            Bruce unwrapped his sandwich with one hand in order to keep the ice bag to his skull. He lifted it up and took the first bite. It felt more rejuvenating than any amount of painkillers ever could be. He took a deep breath and had a moment of genuine peace. As the pain momentarily subsided he realized he had nothing wrong with him. In this exact moment, he had no pain, no concerns, and nothing demanded his attention. He could just sit quietly and enjoy his lunch. The pain and anxiety would return, but for now, they were gone. He relished this moment and stretched it out as much as he could. They came so rarely these days he had to savor them when they arrived. Lucious walked by and commented, having finished his security check.

“That looks delicious. Nothing for me, I see.”

“Sorry Lucious.” Clark responded. “Had I known you would be here I would certainly have gotten you something.”

“That’s alright, my wife packed me a meal.”

“How are you two doing?” Bruce asked, concern lacing his words in a way that indicated to Clark that things weren’t in the norm for Lucious.

“Alright I suppose. I’ve never liked couples therapy, but it’s meaningful to her and that’s something I guess.”

“What is it you always tell me? If it wasn’t made to last you wouldn’t be fighting for it?”

“I tell myself that every day.”

“Are you staying for the interview, Lucious?” Clark asked, allowing his anger from before dissipate.

“It seems so.” Lucious replied. “Just a little security measure to make sure Mr. Wayne doesn’t say anything too incriminating.”

“How about you, are you staying?” Bruce asked Clark, unsure on what the system of ethics were here.

“I’d like to but it’s up to Lois.” Clark replied. “If she wants me out I have to go. It’ll be a long interview so I’ll just go home if she kicks me”

“Try not to get caught in Gotham airspace this time.”

            The group ate what was left of their meals in silence. Preparing for the interview to come. Lois wasn’t in the loop yet about Clark being Superman. He was waiting until marriage to pop that particular balloon. Which means she didn’t know about Bruce being Batman either. Couple her ignorance with her already extremely poor disposition towards billionaires and this wasn’t looking good. She was going to ask some really tough questions that Clark had no idea how Bruce was supposed to respond to. He could hear Lois responding with “the truth” but there’s no way that was happening. He got more paranoid by the second. No wonder Lucious was here, how else could he protect himself?

            Clark would have asked his friend what he had planned, but he was interrupted by the intercom on the entrance wall beeping and alerting everyone in the room.

“Lois Lane is here for your interview with the Daily Planet.” Margaret called.

“Thanks Marg. Send her in.” Bruce replied. “Showtime.” He whispered, as he stood up and walked toward the door. He opted to leave the ice bag at his spot, rather than take it with him. Clark and Lucious braced for impact.

            The soundproofed doors creaked open and Lois Lane strode through. She was a beautiful five-foot-nine with thick black hair. She had perfect skin, and stunning blue eyes, a rarity for someone with her genetics. She appeared to be in her early or mid-twenties, and she carried herself with perfect confidence. She was fiercely intelligent and dangerously quick-witted. She had a way of getting even the most tight lipped of business men to spill the real truth. She was professional, skilled, and well prepared. She was readier for this meeting than anyone, and it showed.

            Bruce extended his hand and did his usual greeting. He followed up with asking if they’d ever met before, on some vague premise that she looked familiar. They talked about galas and city hall events she’d covered and whether or not they would have met each other there. Bruce introduced Lucious Fox, curiously to Clark as the CEO of Wayne Enterprises, and then ended his greeting with “and you know Clark.”

“Yes, we work together.” Lois replied, meeting Clark as he stood and giving him a polite kiss.

“Hey baby. Want me to leave? I can step out.”

“You can stay, just don’t interrupt us or say anything while we’re recording. Perry isn’t supposed to know you’re here.”

“Got it. Mum’s the word.”

            The three of them sat down and Bruce set his meal aside. He shuffled around in order to be as comfortable as possible and settled into his newfound position. He looked at Lois and nodded, trying his best to speed through the foreplay and just get to the interview. Lois obliged, more than happy to have more time for questions. She took out her phone, the entire room held its breath, and she hit record.

“Mr. Wayne, thank you so much for agreeing to meet with me and do this. I know it was short notice, and you’re a busy man, so this means a lot.”

“No problem, Lois.”

“And besides, if you can get a court date scheduled only two days after your office is broken into you should be able to fit me in pretty quickly, right?”

            She laughed at her joke, Bruce and Lucious didn’t find it as funny. Clark would have laughed if he was allowed to make noise on the record. Lois continued unabated.

“I hate to open this way, but I have to ask. What happened to your face? I didn’t see it on TV, was that something the IRS did?”

“No, thankfully. Those agents didn’t hurt me. This was from another incident. I was golfing with some old friends and some stranger got too drunk and started harassing a cart girl. I tried to get him to calm down and he laid a blow on me.”

“I’m so sorry that must’ve been awful.”

“It’s alright. It’s in the past now.”

“Speaking of in the past, you recently sued the Internal Revenue Service over a breaking and entering and an assault. Tell us your side of the story.”

“Certainly. I’ll start with saying, we didn’t sue the IRS. We sued the agents responsible. We are well aware that the department would never condone that kind of behavior, and we just wanted the agents specifically to see justice for what they’d done. As for why they broke in, this was a case of over zealous employees doing whatever it takes to get ahead. The IRS has tried to contact me many times, and I’ve been doing my best to remain cooperative, but I can’t help how packed my schedule is. Apparently the date I set to discuss with them was unsatisfactory. They broke in, harassed my secretary, shoved her to the ground when she wouldn’t cooperate, and barged in here demanding to speak with me.”

“What did you do?”

“Honestly, Clark was the hero. His voice has always carried more authority than mine. I’m not sure how, but when that man raises his voice, well, even I get trembly. When Clark got to scolding those men, all I had to do was standby and watch. They backed down right away.”

“So those men who were willing to muscle an innocent woman to the ground gave up on speaking to you just from being yelled at? That sounds a little farfetched to me.”

“It was to me too, but it’s the truth. I swore so in court. I think it was the right thing to do. Clark shut down the situation without escalating. Those agents had guns, things could have gone really bad.”

“What did they want so desperately that they would break into your office to get it?”

“I’m not sure. They just said they wanted to talk.”

“You’re sure it has nothing to do with the nearly four-billion dollars vanishing into thin air from Wayne Enterprises funds over the past few years?”

            Clark winced as he heard the words fall from Lois’s mouth. She never did hold back during interviews. That was one of the many things he found so attractive about her. But now that it was happening to his dear friend he couldn’t help but wish she would go easier on him. He braced himself for the lie Bruce was going to say next, and preparing himself for having to pretend to believe it.

“Could’ve been that, yeah. The IRS didn’t like that when they audited us. Seems kind of odd though for two agents to be so dedicated to such a thing they’ll throw down my secretary to get it.”

“Where did that money go, Mr. Wayne?”

“We don’t know. My accountants said this was the first time they heard of it. We looked it over and we think it’s theft.”

“Theft? Someone stole nearly four billion dollars from Wayne Enterprises? How, do you keep it in gold bars in a vault somewhere?”

“No actually we keep it in a multitude of accounts and indeed several different banks. We take financial security very seriously here. There is no way anyone could have gotten a hold of that kind of money without possessing either the inside knowledge needed to take apart our entire operation, which nobody should have, or the technical knowhow to hack into the most secure banks on the planet, steal a ton of money and leave no trace behind.”

“Sounds like a James Bond villain.”

“No it actually sounds a lot like The Riddler. With the kind of money we’re talking about here he could fund all of his hairbrained schemes for the rest of his entire life.”

“This all sounds like a simple question being given a complicated answer to turn away the public eye and get people on your side.”

“…Ok.”

“I think a much simpler answer would be embezzlement.”

“…That would be simpler yes.”

“This money exited Wayne Enterprises accounts over the course of four years, from 2006 to now, and in that same span of time your family has seen a significant quality of life improvement.”

“My family?”

“The Wayne family fortune grew by three-hundred million dollars from 06 to 08, and has grown by another five-hundred million since then. You have purchased a high-rise hotel in Italy, Metropolis, and Keystone. You bought eleven new supercars and you have moored in the Gotham bay, the largest mega yacht ever created. Doesn’t that sound a little bit suspicious to you?”

“What do you mean ‘my family’?”

            Lois didn’t anticipate this to be the point Bruce would get hung up on. She didn’t really even mean to say it, and this is what he’s offended by? She took a second to collect herself and figure out how to respond.

“Yes, your family gets to enjoy all of these purchases as well, don’t they?”

“Who? What family?”

“Your parents?”

“My parents were gunned down in the street when I was eight years old!”

            Lois, and indeed the rest of the room quaked as Bruce’s sudden increase in volume startled them all. Clark leaned back, preparing to intervene in case things got heated. Lucious didn’t do anything other than change his line of sight. He seemed to be paying almost no attention to proceedings.

“As for your ridiculous accusations,” Bruce continued, “I happened to have purchased all of that legally with my own money. You said yourself that the ‘Wayne family fortune’ grew by eight-hundred million dollars in those four years, you think I couldn’t have afforded it? But put that aside because it’s ridiculous, what reasoning would I have to steal from my own company? Aren’t I the guy who spent months of his life dedicating himself to weeding out corporate corruption and removing all our scum from the shareholders?”

“Lets just take a step back,” Lois said, trying to regain control of this meeting. “First of all, I’m not accusing you of anything.”

“Yeah you are!” Bruce yelled back. “If you weren’t, you wouldn’t even be speaking. You can’t legally make any accusation, no, but if you could you’d be doing it exactly the same way and you know that.”

“Ok, ok!” She snapped, doing anything she can to fix the situation. “I apologize for my comment about your family, I’m sorry. I didn’t know your parents were killed, I never would have said that if I had. I’m not accusing you of anything Mr. Wayne. I’m just trying to get the truth, and ease some concerns for the American people. You say the money was stolen, but that’s not a satisfactory answer. Because with numbers this large a thief could do serious damage. They could fund terrorism movements, they could bribe politicians. Four billion dollars is a serious concern. You don’t have anything to say to console the American people who might be concerned about this?”

“No. I don’t have any answers right now. All I can say, is a theft that happened four years ago and hasn’t done anything with the money is probably not something you need to be concerned with. Furthermore the only people on earth capable of committing such a crime are either in prison or dead. So whatever the answers are, we’ll get them soon.”

“I see.”

            Lois changed the subject fairly swiftly, and the topic of discussion became something much more banal. They talked about Wayne Enterprises as a whole, new developments they were working on, previous IRS related events, and other doldrums. The interview ended at 1:00, giving Lois enough time to go get lunch, and Bruce enough time to finish his before the rest of the work day began. Lois left politely and calmly, shaking everyone’s hand and giving Clark another professional kiss. She left and stepped into the elevator without wavering or looking back. The elevator doors closed and she disappeared, leaving the three men standing in Bruce’s office.

            Lucious shut the door and sealed it again, leaving them some time to talk.

“That went well.” Lucious said.

“I can see the headlines now.” Bruce said, sitting back down. “Billionaire playboy loses it in front of journalist.”

“’Loses it’ is a rare one, they don’t often use that kind of terminology.”

“I’m sorry about Lois,” Clark said, speaking for the first time since before the interview. “She did know your parents were killed, but she was like 10 when it happened, you can’t trust her to remember it.”

“I like her.” Bruce replied. He lifted the ice bag back to his head and finished what was left of his sandwich with the other.

“Really?” Clark asked.

“Yeah. I like her. She’s definitely the one for you.”

            Clark smiled. He got a bubbly, flaming joy in his chest and had to turn away. Lois was the one. He had been thinking about how to tell her for ages. Of all the things he expected out of his friend, the last thing was agreement. If she passed the “bat test” then she was definitely good enough for him.

“Well I should go. Lois expects me for lunch.”

“Open this for me before you go, would you?” Bruce said, handing Clark the bag of chips. Clark tore them open and handed them back to Bruce, smiling and bidding farewell to Lucious Fox. Lucious responded “any time” and let Clark leave. Clark stepped out into Bruce’s office, deciding that his burst of energy was too high to take the elevator. He opened the balcony doors wide and flung himself off the edge. His super hearing told him that if somebody saw him, they didn’t react, and he somehow managed to get a few free moments of flight without being caught.

“Seriously though, why didn’t you ask for his help at the docks, Mr. Wayne?” Lucious asked as soon as the coast was clear.

“They had an Amazo.”

“Oh dear.”

“Yeah.”

“Where is it now?”

“Check the vault.”